


Dancing On My Own

by quellthefire



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asshole Inner Thoughts, But at least there’s drugs and booze, Eliot is angsty, Eliot loves Quentin but won’t tell him, F/M, M/M, Margo and Todd totally fucked in Ibiza, Penny is an asshole who speaks the truth, Quentin is too crazy about Alice to notice anything, The Natural Kids throw a lame party, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 16:15:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16768555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quellthefire/pseuds/quellthefire
Summary: Set right after Brakebills South, Eliot is in love with Quentin, but won’t admit it. He’s at a party and is trying to ignore the budding relationship between Q and Alice. Penny calls him out for it, and is an asshole.So angsty. Eliot's inner thoughts are so cruel.





	1. Chapter 1

It was an ungodly hour and Eliot wasn’t nearly fucked up enough yet. He had gone with the rest of the Physical Kids to a party the Natural Kids were throwing. It was no cottage party, but it had started out promising.

The group had quickly separated to explore the party and Eliot somehow ended up in a corner by himself.

There was some kind of gin-type alcohol, probably made from pine tree bark and patchouli for all he knew, but the liquor was free and he needed it tonight. He sipped the bitter drink and plucked some lint from his shirt. 

He’d spent two hours picking out the right outfit, deep lavender-blue skinny slacks, a robin’s egg button-up, and a tan and grey plaid waistcoat with a tie that matched his pants. It was something only he would come up with, and only he could pull off. The fit was immaculate. He knew he looked spectacular, but something still wavered his confidence. Something niggling and unfamiliar. He didn’t particularly like this new feeling.

Eliot surveyed the room. The music was a little too much sitar and not enough synth for his tastes, but it worked for their vibe…. Okay, it was way too much sitar, but at least he’d never have to compete for being the party king of Brakebills campus. Most of the students here were dancing, trance-like to the mellow psychedelic song. Half of them were probably on psychedelics, now that he thought about it. Natural kids always had the best drugs. 

Margo was off in a corner with that Todd kid. They’d apparently had a stellar time in Ibiza, and though she’d never admit it, Eliot was certain they’d fucked. She’d spent all semester staring at his ass when she thought no one was looking, and Todd would flush crimson when Margo’s name was mentioned. 

That had been a fun game for a while. Eliot would namedrop her whenever he saw Todd, and he’d take a certain delicious pleasure in seeing Todd’s face heat up. Sometimes Todd would even squirm a little. It was entertaining for a month or so, but then it just got old, and frankly a bit sad. 

He’d moved on to making up reasons to get Todd to bend over in Margo’s presence, but even that had lost its fun for Eliot, ever since… 

Eliot shook his head to clear away his thoughts and reexamined the room. Penny was sulking, sitting by himself at a table that was cluttered with half full drinks. He clearly was not wanting to be here. ‘As a matter of fact, why is he here?’ Eliot thought to himself. Penny was hardly a joiner, especially if it involved them getting trashed. It must have something to do with Kady’s disappearance. 

Something inside Penny had hardened. That part of him that was unwilling to compromise or be patient had grown thick with thorns, but he’d also been acting more erratically. Sometimes he’d show up at the Physical Kid’s brunches and sullenly sip a Bloody Mary in the corner. He would never explain why he was there, and would threaten to throat punch anyone who questioned it, but he wouldn’t leave. Eliot guessed he was lonely, deep down.

Eliot knew a whole lot about that. 

He finished his drink with a grimace, and strode towards Penny, just buzzed enough to not care that this might be suicidal. 

Penny glared up, a question in his eyes, and then softened the tiniest bit when he realized who was standing over him. “Oh, it’s you,” Penny mumbled out, his voice gruff but not mean. “I thought you were that spineless prick, Coldwater.” Eliot’s expression must have twitched, because Penny’s eyes slightly widened with recognition. “Shit,” Penny grumbled.

Eliot grabbed a random drink and swigged enough to taste peach. It would do. “Gross, man,” Penny said shaking his head, “But it’s gotta be better than this potpourri crap.” They both chuckled and Eliot raised his glass in acknowledgement. Eliot was glad to talk about something other than his reaction to Quentin’s name being mentioned. “Infinitely less terrible,” Eliot said with a smirk.

He sat down across from Penny and they watched the growing crowd slowly gyrate in time with the song playing. They both drank in silence for a couple of minutes, then suddenly Penny leaned in and said, “So what I can’t figure out is how Coldwater is so stupid that he doesn’t notice it.” Eliot, who was in mid-sip on what he’d deduced to be undiluted peach schnapps, choked on the drink. He could feel his face paling. “Notice what?” he said coolly. 

Penny let out a bark of a laugh and leaned back, his hands resting on top of his head. He looked incredulous and wouldn’t break eye contact with Eliot. After an uncomfortable moment Eliot looked away and Penny laughed again. “Dude, you are so clearly crazy about him. Maybe most people don’t notice it, but damn… I didn’t think Quentin was that dense.” He grinned in a proud, not entirely kind way at Eliot.

Eliot’s mind was racing. He hadn’t ever considered that anyone would notice, let alone call him out like this in the middle of what was supposed to (but failing) to be a rager of a party. He scoffed and picked up another mystery drink. Jack and Coke, from the smell. This would do. 

“Come on Eliot, you’ve had it bad for Coldwater this whole time. He’s not what I expected your type to be, but I suppose the awkward unattainable straight boy offers more of a challenge. Or is it that if you actually got what you wanted you’d realize it wouldn’t make you happy? Yeah, that’s probably it, isn’t it? Shame about him shacking up with Alice Quinn at Brakebills South though. They seem so happy, and your chance to be Coldwater’s experimental phase went right out the window.” Penny’s grin widened, the look of a man who knew he’d hit on a deep truth. 

“Fuck off Penny,” Eliot mumbled, standing and straightening his clothes. Eliot had been tuning out what he knew to be true. This confirmation of Alice and Q being together stung far worse than the whiskey as he chugged the rest of the drink. He set the empty cup down, a little more forcefully than he meant to, and walked away, just a hint of a stumble in his step.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot finds Q, drunk and snuggled up against Alice. And it's all too much to bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up kiddos, cause this is angsty as fuck.
> 
> I wanna preface this by saying that all the mean stuff is Eliot's inner thoughts. I love El, and Todd, and don't actually believe the horrible stuff that Eliot thinks about himself. But it was super cathartic to dig into Eliot's depression and anxiety and let the asshole in his head run wild.

Eliot quickly made his way to the kitchen, eager to escape Penny and the truths he wasn’t ready to confront. He needed another drink, and maybe whatever everyone was taking that made this god awful music bearable. 

His face lit up when he saw the setup on the kitchen counter. Eliot perused the bottles before deciding to make a gin and tonic. He poured a lot more gin than necessary, loaded up on ice, and finished it off with tonic water that was probably half flat. There weren’t any limes sadly, but he’d survive. 

He shuffled his way back to the living room and tried to find any familiar faces. Penny had apparently left to go harass someone else, and Todd and Margo seemed quite preoccupied in their corner of the room. He groaned and turned away from that unfortunate sight. 

He was contemplating where to go next when he heard a peal of laughter that was all too familiar. The laughter that made his heart clench just a bit whenever he heard it. Quentin’s laughter. He’d disappeared so quickly after they’d arrived that Eliot hadn’t known he was even still at the party.

Eliot tried his best to nonchalantly peer around the doorway, and spotted Q and Alice on the patio, hanging out with some other kids from their year. He recognized a couple of them. Quentin laughed again and leaned his head on Alice’s shoulder in a sleepily intimate way. Eliot could feel his stomach tighten with unease. It was too much. But he couldn’t stop watching. 

The group was chatting about exams and their upcoming plans for break. Eliot realized in that moment that Quentin and Alice had a life at Brakebills outside of their friendship with him and Margo. They had different classes of course, but it had never occurred to Eliot that Quentin talked to his classmates enough to hang out at a party with them. He felt like an asshole for never noticing. Selfish. That’s what he was. Anything that didn’t directly impact him was beneath his notice. He shrunk back a little into the doorway.

He suddenly felt self-conscious. Intrusive. Like an asshole. Quentin deserved happiness. He deserved to grow old and have a simple, uncomplicated life. He didn’t deserve the mess that was Eliot Waugh. 

Eliot’s heart was beating fast, he knew he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be listening in like this. It was an invasion of Quentin’s privacy, and it hurt like hell to see him so at ease. Eliot had always known Quentin to be awkward, unsure of himself. But right now he looked so happy, head drooping onto Alice. Q didn’t deserve the pain that he’d bring, Eliot reminded himself.

He stood there, leaning into the doorway, unable to look away but wishing so desperately he could make himself leave. 

“Hey El! Have you seen Margo? She went to get us drinks and--.” Eliot’s head swiveled to find the source of the words, his head cloudy and slow. Todd. Of fucking course. Clueless Todd would be the one to fuck up Eliot’s night.

He glanced back at the group on the patio just in time to see Quentin’s lazy smile.

“Hey Eliot! Come join us!” God, Quentin was adorable even when he was half out of his mind.

Eliot froze. He felt like his brain might never reboot. Fuck. And then he was running, past Todd, past the crumpled bags of chips and the sweaty beer bottles, and he was taking the stairs, two at a time, stumbling and reaching for the handrail, desperate to get the fuck away. He made to to the top of the stairs before he half-collapsed, vision spinning and queasy. He felt like he might throw up. 

Eliot was a party god. It had been years since he’d puked from drinking, and one easy, gorgeous smile from Quentin had undone him. 

Why the fuck did he run? He could have just played it off like he’d just walked through the doorway. He could have given that confident, flirty smile he’d spent months perfecting in the mirror his first year. He could have literally done anything else, and yet he ran. Like a coward. Like the pussy his dad always said he was. He couldn’t stand to look Q in the eyes and act like everything was fine. 

It all hurt too much, like the world was crashing in, and it might actually be, from the way his head felt right now. 

The stair were creaking, and he looked up, dreading having to interact with anyone.

Quentin. God damn it. Of course Quentin would come after him. He was kind, and thoughtful, and everything Eliot wasn’t. And he had no clue that his gentle, concerned expression was like a dagger to Eliot.

“Hi El, you doing okay? Why’d you run?” His smile was sweet and a little dopey. He must have drank a lot tonight. 

“I’m fine,” El blurted out. “Just needed some air.”

Quentin burst out laughing, and sat down next to him. “You went the wrong way then.”

“Guess so.” Eliot was acutely aware of just how much distance was between them. It wasn’t nearly enough. He could smell Q’s slight muskiness, and the cucumber shampoo he used. It was incredible. And it made him feel even drunker than he already was.

“Guess I’m just not in the party mood tonight,” Eliot said stiffly.

“Whaaat?” Quentin slung his arm around Eliot, leaning into him and ruffling his hair. Eliot could feel the heat of his hand. “You’re like, the ruler of parties. The, the, party leader, or whatever.”

Eliot sniffed, uncomfortable at how not-Q-like he was being. “God, Quentin, how much have you had to drink tonight?”

Q beamed proudly, and started counting on his fingers. He lost count after the tenth finger.

Eliot softened just a bit. His vision had sharpened enough for him to feel a little more in control. “Someone should have been looking after you.” He said it quietly, not even sure if Quentin had heard it. 

“Well, that’ll be your job next time.”

“Sure.” Eliot could feel the dagger digging in deeper.

“I love you, you know? You’re like, you’re like my best friend here, and you’re a really good friend. I love you, El.”

His breath stuttered, and it felt like ice was running through his veins.

“Do you love me, El?”

“Yes, Quentin. I do.”

“Good. I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too.”

Quentin sighed contently, and Eliot swore he could feel the dagger cracking into his heart, making it shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for indulging me in this emotional oil spill.

**Author's Note:**

> I got into a bit of writer’s block after writing so much last week. 
> 
> Weirdly, a video by Brian Jordan Alvarez inspired me. He usually does comedy sketches about being gay, but recently did a series of videos of just him dancing in his house. They’re super fun but also vulnerable and raw. They got me thinking about how good of a prompt it would be. This was inspired by the one where he dances to Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own.” 
> 
> Here’s a link if you’re interested in watching it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD2UgYfUUzE&feature=share


End file.
